You may remember how I was worried and somewhat concerned about how the weekend would go after being away from alcohol for five days, well this is how it went. Friday night wasn’t a problem, carried on just as I had done during the week, drank water and kept myself busy and active during the evening. Found it somewhat disappointing to be in bed so early on a Friday night but then it wasn’t as if I had anywhere to go or anyone to meet anyway so no huge loss.
I was up early on the Saturday and by the time my son had surfaced from the pit which is the teenagers room the mundane aspects (laundry, housework and shopping) of the weekend had already been dealt with. My son and I went out for a good walk (there is another blog forthcoming about this walk) and on the way back popped into a local pub. I had one cider and my son, who I’ve shared everything with, mentioned that I wasn’t drinking as fast as I normally did. This was a good observation as I was feeling the effects of the alcohol more keenly than I would normally do so and so wasn’t drinking as fast as I normally would. This did not open the floodgates as I had feared but showed me that I should be cautious with the amount and how fast I imbibe it. Back home on the Saturday night I allowed myself four cans of relatively weak generic beer. I drank these over the course of a few hours, stopping and having water between each can. Not really enjoying the drinking as I had done. I had a friend visit me and we discussed how he had given up alcohol and started again and how it was an ongoing struggle for him to find a balance, one that he has yet to find. I shared my experiences with him and he was extremely supportive and offered good advice.
One remark stuck with me and is still bouncing around inside my head. When I told him about how I was regaining control he looked at me candidly and said “I accept my friends for who they are, not what they do. But it is good to see you being you and not being a drunk.” My son has said similar things before in the past, especially when younger and unsure of what is happening. He would comment on how he’d not want me to be drunk daddy but happy daddy or he would encourage me to drink later in the day in order to spend more time with him as I was more coherent and able to give him more of my attention. Oh please don’t get me wrong, there have been times when he has encouraged me to drink but only when he was older, and for his own ends, the cunning little chap that he is. However my friend was right, we stay who we are when sober and when drunk our personalities, although still our own, start to “slide and shift” about as do our priorities.
On Sunday I drank two cans of beer and a bottle of wine over the course of the day. I noted how alcohol does exaggerate emotions and how quickly it happens. How I could be happy, then sad, then energetic then forgetful all in the space of several minutes. I may have been aware of this before but had become blinded to it due to the many years that I had lived in this state, I guess it had become the norm. By 9pm Sunday I had run out of wine and beer but instead of going to the shop to buy more, as I would normally did, I was content to drink water and happily observe myself slowly sobering up. I think I am at a stage now where I prefer sober me to drunk me. Doesn’t mean I’ll never drink again but it has made me much more aware of my adverse and exaggerated behaviour while drunk and more aware of how stable I am when sober. Stable and coherent. I am looking forward to another five days of not drinking, saving that money and being able to write and think clearly.
In a way I feel as if I am cheating by not giving up entirely, I was expecting a hard time and the ease of which I have been able to accomplish getting control of my drinking I find amazing. It may not make for an engaging blog with the twists and turns and ups and downs that will make it a gripping read but I am happy to report, even if somewhat tediously, that everything is fine.